The difference between Liberals and Conservatives

People are always wondering what makes someone a Liberal or a Conservative. You can find all sorts of political definitions and examples of politicians who consider themselves Liberal or Conservative, but the debate is more than about politics. I don’t know the origins of the story below. I received it in the form of an e-mail from a lifelong Republican whom I’ve known for about 15 years. It makes as much sense as anything else you’ll read explaining the core difference between a Liberal and a Conservative. So I’m sharing these words of wisdom with you today.

Humans existed for thousands of years as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they had to stay close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking the beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlie men."

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth — the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by another animal — the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water from France. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal dining fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note about Liberals — most of their women have higher testosterone levels than the men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers."