Friday, November 19, 2010

Six Movies I Never Want To See Again

By Tony Phyrillas

I will sit though just about anything, but if you're thinking of renting on of these films, take my word for it and pick something else.

Robin Hood (2010) - How could Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe, who gave us "Gladiator" in 2000 sink to this level in just 10 years? The absolute worst re-telling of the Robin Hood legend since Mel Brooks' "Robin Hood: Men In Tights." Crowe looks bored throughout this insufferably long and dark movie. He has no chemistry with Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian and there are so many bad actors with bad accents impersonating French and British noblemen that you have no idea who anybody is or how they fit into the plot. Paging Kevin Costner.

Date Night - Steve Carell and Tina Fey are best enjoyed in small doses on TV screens. Neither can carry a film, especially this cliche-filled remake of "The Out-of-Towners" about a suburban couple getting into misadventures in New York City. There's a scene where Carell and Fey attempt to entertain a mobster in a strip club that is so painful to watch, you have to cover your eyes. The only mildly-amusing part of this 1 hour, 28-minute snooze-fest is a cameo by Mark Wahlberg. Go out on a real date instead of wasting time with this awful movie.

Hot Tub Time Machine - It's as dumb as the title, but not in a good way. I did not laugh once during this 1 hour, 40 minute disaster of a movie that is so desperate for laughs it keeps bringing in Chevy Chase, who hasn't made anyone laugh in 20 years. Nothing works in this "Back To The Future" for slobs rip-off. And what is John Cusak doing in this movie? He should fire his agent.

Repo Men - An interesting premise that falls apart quickly in this disappointing sci-fi/action film starring Jude Law and Forest Whitaker as futuristic "repo men" who take back internal organs from people who can no longer afford to keep up with their payments for life-saving medical treatments. This might be a sneak-peek at ObamaCare, but I'd rather watch Nancy Pelosi reading the 2,000-page bill than sit through this clunker again.

Harry Brown - I wonder which studio executives green-lighted this project: Let's remake "Death Wish" with an geriatric British cast headed by 77-year-old Michael Caine playing the part of Charles Bronson. That's "Harry Brown" in a nutshell. You worry throughout the movie that one of the cast members will break a hip. In one scene, Caine collapses on the sidewalk with shortness of breath as he chases after a young punk. I kid you not. This might play well in a retirement home, but it will put everyone else to sleep.

Valentine's Day - An all-star cast (Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah) phoning in their performances in a movie that will swear you off romance for good. Nothing funny, nothing romantic, nothing you haven't seen before. Just a stale box of assorted chocolates.

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